100%
Pure
Satire!

Nothing on this page is true!

(The printed version had a photo of a woman wearing a bunch of necklaces here. I no longer have the photo, so you just have to imagine it.)

Necklace Wearing
Person of the Week

Favorite color: Blue.

Secret ambition: To sing with the Spice Girls as "Necklace Spice."

Most necklaces worn at once: 20.

Reason for being in the newspaper: I have no idea.

Gulf Breeze Anti-Speeding Tactic Not Taking Off

The Gulf Breeze Police Department's plan to have citizens borrow radar guns to catch speeders isn't working very well.

Very few people have checked out the loaner radar guns in the program's one-year history.

"They all act like they got something better to do," says the police chief. "They expect us to do it or something, like it's our job or something."

Volunteers write down license plate numbers of speeders, and police mail a really nasty warning in big letters to the offenders.

The Pensacola News Urinal tracked down two volunteers who checked out the gun. When asked what he did with it, the first volunteer replied, "Not a damn thing. I just figured that's one less radar gun they can use on me."

The second volunteer said, "We use it to track UFOs when we hang out at the park. We clocked one alien mothership disguised as a pelican at 25 miles per hour. Of course, they use kilometers where they come from."

The police chief says he has higher hopes for his new library delinquent program. Police will loan citizens body armor and M-16's, give them addresses of people with overdue library books, and send them to kick in their doors.

We Hate Guns

We at the Pensacola News Urinal are committed to bringing you objective, unbiased information that says guns are bad.

We search long and far for this information. We have to wade through reams of studies and legal analyses that contradict our opinions, just to find those one or two gems that say what we want to say.

Sure, we've all heard the saying, "Guns don't kill people, rabid pro-lifers kill people," but we know that guns are capable of making raving lunatics out of average Joes, much less the drunk rednecks we get around here.

It's just like tobacco, drugs, and crime. People aren't responsible for their actions, inanimate objects are. Is that so hard to understand?

Access to guns is the problem behind recent shootings involving children. Access to guns might not have really changed all that much in the past couple of months, but it makes a great soundbite.

"Access is the problem. If I had an AK on my desk, I'd be mowing down reporters left and right," said our publisher. "It's either that or Southern Culture."

In response, Southern Culture said, "Hey, man, we just play the music. Too much pork, for just one fork, oh yeah."

New Art Exhibit Opens at Brent

"Expressions in Velvet," a new art exhibit, will open at Brent Gallery today in the abandoned gas station at Brent Lane and Davis Highway.

The exhibit will showcase classic black velvet representations of Elvis and dogs playing pool, as well as over three dozen different prints of palm trees.

Art collectors are raving.

"Why spend $600 on a painting that doesn't even have sea oats?" asked one buyer representing a hotel chain. "Here I can pick up that Marilyn Monroe print I've always wanted."

Dole Participates in Viagra Tests

74-year-old former Congressman and presidential candidate Bob Dole bragged on CNN's Larry King Live that he participated in trials of the new anti-impotence pill Viagra.

"Oh yeah, I'm the man," Dole said, sporting an unbuttoned polyester shirt and a pair of Ray-Ban's. "I gotta hook up. Holler if you hear me."

Dole's wife Elizabeth praised her husband's decision. "That threesome with Mary Matalin was hot," she said.

In related news, former President George Bush seized the occasion to announce he is participating in medical marijuana trials to help his failing vision.

"Recreational, not going to do it," Bush said. "Wouldn't be prudent. It's bad! It's bad! Legitimate medical purposes, glaucoma, different story. I inhaled."

Bush went on to apologize for his terms in office. "I just want to say I'm sorry for everything. Dissing Ronnie behind his back, selling weapons to Iran, that whole Dan Quayle thing, hooking up my buds with cushy jobs, flipping off Asian protesters."

Asked if he would criticize President Clinton's performance, Bush refused, then said, "What's this?", pursing his lips and blowing out his cheeks. "Monica Lewinsky withholding evidence."