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Clinton Scandal Widens

BY KEN GAILLOT

In a surprise development in the Clinton sex scandal, Hillary Clinton has admitted to having a fling with an eighteen-year-old White House page. The First Lady's admission comes as part of her newly published book, It Takes a Village (To Satisfy My Husband).

"When Bill would slip out at night to do 'paperwork,' I'd ring the page to bring me some chocolate syrup and whipped cream," says Hillary in the new book. "Then we'd discuss health care reform."

Hillary Clinton will soon be on the talk show circuit promoting the new book, and recently completed a photo shoot for Vanity Fair magazine.

In related news, Attorney General Janet Reno admitted to having an affair with Anne Heche.

Arabs Burn Clinton In Effigy

BY KEN GAILLOT

Responding to the recent U.S. bombing of Afghanistan and the Sudan, Pakistani protesters burned President Clinton in effigy. It is believed that the protesters were graduates of Islamic radical Osama bin Laden's Terrorist Community College.

"It's not like the old days, when one would burn effigies all night long," said one elder effigy craftsman. "This younger generation, they just don't burn effigies anymore."

To help increase effigy awareness among young radicals, Bin Laden's Terrorist Community College has several courses in beginning and advanced effigy making. Topics include what materials are appropriate and how to find CNN camera crews.

Other courses at the college include "how to throw rocks at tanks" and "declaring your beard a bird sanctuary."

Apple Gets Good Publicity

BY KEN GAILLOT

Faced with antitrust action by the U.S. government, Bill Gates, the alleged godfather of the Seattle mafia, has temporarily stopped paying news reporters to say bad things about Apple computers.

News media are actually saying good things about the new iMac, a low-priced all-in-one Apple computer. Apple is hoping the iMac will help them regain market share and make people stop laughing at them.

The new Mac, designed by the same animators from "The Jetsons" that did the new Volkswagen Beetle, has a see-through case, commonly used software pre-loaded and a built-in coffeemaker.

The iMac continues Apple's drive to make computers easier to use by having just one big button that does everything.