100%
Pure
Satire!

Nothing on this page is true!

Santa Claus Impeached

BY KEN GAILLOT

The U.S. Congress voted overwhelmingly yesterday to impeach Santa Claus on two articles.

The usually jolly old elf has been on the defensive ever since he was accused of having an affair with the Tooth Fairy in Robert Devereaux's new book Santa Steps Out.

The articles of impeachment accuse "Kris Jefferson Kringle III" of perjury before a grand jury and obstructing justice by using the powers of knowing who's been naughty and nice to blackmail investigators.

Mrs. Claus has steadfastly stood by her man, issuing a statement that "good boys and girls are more concerned with my husband's work on the economy and social justice than with politically inspired attacks," adding that she forgives him and "that fairy tramp."

Democrats 2, Republicans 0

BY KEN GAILLOT

The effort to oust President Clinton from office claimed another victim last weekend as House Speaker-elect Bob Livingston announced his resignation before he even took office.

The Louisiana Republican was forced to admit adultery after a journalist threatened to expose Livingston's past. Livingston became the second Republican to resign from office because of fallout from Clinton's blow job from an intern. The first, Newt Gingrich, resigned after his party fared dismally in November elections due to voters' unhappiness with their handling of the impeachment process.

Two other Republican Congresscritters, Henry Hyde and Helen Chenoweth, have been forced to admit to affairs, but neither has resigned. Clinton's behind-the-scenes "scorched earth" defense has many Republicans jittery. A guitar-playing Panhandle Representative was recently seen jumping at his shadow.

"I will not be intimidated by these efforts," said Livingston on Thursday when he admitted his indiscretions. "These efforts will NOT deter me from performing my sworn duty under the Constitution as a member of Congress."

Two days later, he announced his resignation.

"OK, I wasn't intimidated on Thursday," he said, "but I didn't realize they had videotape. For the record, yes, that was me in the pirate suit."

City Restricts Strippers

BY KEN GAILLOT

The Pensacola City Council last week approved a proposal to place new restrictions on "adult entertainment establishments," which means anything ever having anything to do with sex. The main targets are strip clubs, but bookstores and other businesses could also be affected.

Existing strip clubs as well as potential new ones will have to pay a $400 "application fee," but they will be allowed to pay it in one dollar bills. Lap dancing is now forbidden in Pensacola.

In addition, new rules apply only to new strip clubs, which have the effect of making it impossible for new clubs to compete. Dancers at new strip clubs will be prohibited from showing their nipples or butts, and must keep three feet away from customers at all times, meaning that customers must throw dollar bills in their general direction.

"Read my lips: No new nipples," said city attorney John Phlegming. "The human body is disgusting and evil. I bet those people have sex with the lights on."

Florida Mourns Governor

BY KEN GAILLOT

Tens of thousands of Floridians paid their respects last week to Governor Lawton Chiles after he passed away suddenly. His funeral procession repeated the famous journey from Century to Tallahassee that earned him the nickmame "That Guy Who Walked A Hell Of A Long Way."

The wily old politician, known warmly as the "He-Coon," was famous for his down-to-earth manner and folksy sayings.

"This is peachy as blackberry possum pie," he used to say when vetoing bills. "Coon possum coon coon."

The governor was as well known for his sense of humor as for his efforts on behalf of schoolchildren and lost puppies. In one often-repeated practical joke, he dressed up in a gorilla suit and attacked members of the press corps until someone would shoot him with a tranquilizer dart.

Florida said goodbye not only to a governor, but to an era, the last of the He-Coons.