Volume 2 #20 (May 19-25, 1999)

From the Editor: Speed junkie

BY KEN GAILLOT

Damn.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.

I finally have to admit that I have a problem. For a long time, I thought, "Hey, I can stop whenever I want to," and, "Everybody does it."

But after over a decade of fast times, and having just received yet another speeding ticket, I have come to the realization that I am a Speed Junkie. Not the pill; the miles-per-hour.

You can keep your powder and your needles. Give me a gas pedal any day. Oh yeah, I love it.

I've tried to stop. What's ironic is I'm more dangerous when I'm not speeding, because I have to keep my eyes glued to the speedometer instead of the road. As soon as I look somewhere else, my foot sneaks down without telling me, and I'm ten or fifteen over again. (OK, maybe twenty, on a clear day and an open road.)

I don't know what the big deal about speed limits is anyway. Research shows that it's not speed, but speed differences between cars, that matters most. In other words, people driving slow in the fast lane are not only idiots, they're dangerous. I'd love to put those people on the German Autobahn for ten minutes. They'd get creamed. Driving tip: if you're not passing, stick to the right.

Getting a ticket is pretty embarrassing. It says, "Hey, I'm not paying attention." In my defense, it was a flat-top Gulf Breezer, and he was behind me on the three-mile bridge at night. Still, I feel like I have failed as a speeder.

Evading traffic cops is like being a wildebeest in the Serengeti. The lions are going to have dinner. You just hope it's someone else. When those lights flip on behind you, you know how the wildebeest feels when it realizes its guard was down at the wrong time. At least Gulf Breeze cops are well-fed.

This is actually my first Gulf Breeze ticket. I feel like I've joined a club. Like next week, in addition to fliers from fifty traffic schools eager to help me in my time of need, I'm going to receive the Purple Heart of Speeding from the Veterans of Gulf Breeze Tickets.

It is definitely time to invest in another radar detector. I had one for a while, and it helped. But one day it fried and quit working, and I've been too broke to replace it. Of course, now I'm even more broke for having to pay another ticket, but maybe I could hock something. Like my gas pedal.